A surfer asks:

Hi Kris. If two people who are divorcing disagree with splitting their assets how can a mediator help? Thanks.

Kris Responds:

Well, believe it or not…they can…even strong willed people who are sure that they won’t or can’t budge. Most people don’t care nearly as much about assets as they do about what the assets represent. The armoir may matter because it is an heirloom…or a car may matter because it is the only means to independence, work…etc. There are also many assumptions made about each other that can add to an on-going desire to stay ‘dug in’ to a particular position. Divorce is painful and we may be coming from a survival motive because it feels that we are ‘losing’ or will ‘lose more’ if we don’t appear strong and unbending. People cling to their positions for a variety of reasons —some as basic as survival security, or psychological/emotional attachment and finally, even out of principle….a mediator is skilled in helping each party reflect their own underlying as well as understanding more of the other party’s true interests. Oftentimes, these stated positions appear incompatible but the underlying interests are not so incompatible. Then, there is something a little magical about sitting down at a table with the help of a neutral that declares a good faith effort to try and work it out. This higher order of problem solving appeals to many who subscribe to a civilized way of managing conflict and people more often than not–rise to the occasion. Everybody gives a little, and everybody gains more than if they hand it off to an arbitrating force such as a judge.

I hope this provides some answers to your very worthwhile question. Please feel free to give Scott Rich a call at the center at 371- 0033 on Monday for a more in-depth description of what mediation can do.